Well, the countdown is now over. At this time tomorrow, I'll be in my room at Bennington. It's so hard to believe it's here already.

At the beginning of the year, I couldn't wait to get out of here, go somewhere new, I was even looking at schools in England. Now, I'm still excited, but less so. I'm only going three hours from home, but I've got so much here that I'm going to miss. I've gotten closer with Emily over the past year, and become friends with Shawna and Mia. I'm really going to hate not having those three around. And then there's Rick and Howie, who I've had around all the time. I won't have either of them to hang around with at school now. I'm going somewhere where nobody knows me. I'm not going to be known as the loner emo geek (because practically everyone there is the loner emo geek), or as the guy who Ashley dumped, or as any other number of things I've been known as. It's a new start.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal of it though. I've got a long weekend in October to come home for, plus I'm going to try and make it home at least one weekend before that. The library's having a book fair at the end of September, Mrs Kishi said if I came down for that, I could work a long shift for it. So I'll be back in just a few weeks.

Oddly enough, it's right around the time Lilly will be having the baby, so I know she'd need the money. I talked to her a couple of days ago, she said everything was going fine. I'm trying not to ask for too many details, because I don't want to know everything, I don't want to feel too much a part of this and feel too attached.

She said the parents picked out a name. I'm just not sure if I want to know it or not. All I know right now is that I'm going to keep doing my part and helping her out with things.

I've talked with mom about it and talked to dad some more and finally talked to Lilly again. We're going with adoption. I told her that I wanted to help out with things, though, I want to be a part of this. I'm going to help her out with some of the hospital bills and, if there are any, legal bills for the adoption. And if I need to, I'll go back to London. She says she's going to go to the adoption agency on Monday and let them know that the father's involved now and find out what I need to do.

It still feels strange to write or say the word father and know that I'm referring to myself. I never really thought about having children. I figured someday that I would but not anytime soon. This just wasn't in the plans, and I'm not at a point in my life where I could be the kind of father that this child deserves. Lilly says that the couple in Wales is older, professional, and has been trying for years to have a child. I'm glad that we're able to give them what they've been wanting. But still, for the rest of my life, there's going to be a child out there who's mine. And I don't really know how I feel about that just yet.

No decision yet. I fly out tomorrow, and I still don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Lilly came over today, and before she came by, I talked to dad. I told him everything. Once he got past the shock, we were able to talk more about it. The only thing I know is that I am not ready to be a father. I told Lilly that I needed to think it out more. I want to be there for her. That much I know.

I just wish I knew more.

I just got back from dropping dad off at the airport. In my new car.

While I was in Florida, mom and dad got my graduation present. They decided that my car was a death trap (which is probably true) and that I needed something more reliable now, especially with driving back and forth between here and Bennington in the fall. I now have a 4-door Chevy Cobalt in granite blue (which is essentially a light gray-blue). I don't really know what we're going to do with the Omni. We joked about selling it, but we aren't sure it could even get enough money.

This new car needs a name. The Omni went from having no name to Erica naming it Animal to Grace naming it Superman. I'll see what this one ends up as.

Things went surprisingly well with dad in town. He stayed in town for awhile, and while he was at the Strathmoor, I think things would have gone all right if he'd stayed at the house. Mom and him seem to have worked through the problems over school, mom has actually been convinced of what a good school Bennington is, dad won her over on it.

I ended up having a great time on the senior trip. I wasn't quite sure what to expect with Disney but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I even hung out with some new people aside from the usual Rick, Howie, and Grace. Mia's pretty interesting to talk to, Dawn is really nice, and I had an absolute blast with Shawna. Our picture from Dinosaur is up in my room. It was great to meet new people, I hope I can continue to hang out with them throughout the summer.

Now, I have London to look forward to in just a couple of weeks. I think Grace is going to be there at the same time too so I'll get to see her some, I hope, and dad's going to look into some traveling for us once he's back there. Can't wait to go back there again.

We got our letters back today, the ones from the letter project that Mr Kingbridge runs for the eighth graders. Truth be told, I had actually forgotten all about it. I remember not even wanting to write the letter, and deciding to do so at the last minute. So, here's my letter, in all its glory.
( Read more... )

One year ago...

I'm going to Bennington. I spent the weekend there and ended up staying on Monday and even going to a class. I have never felt more connected to a place after just a couple of days. This is where I'mg going.

I told dad. He said that he's happy that I'm going somewhere I like so much, but I know I'm disappointing him by not going somewhere in England.

I haven't told mom yet. I told her that I liked the school but was still trying to make a decision. I have to tell her soon.

And this weekend marks one year since Ashley and I broke up. We'll just have to see how that one goes.

Did I get into these schools by mom and dad's connections? Would I have gotten in if I had different parents? Of course, if I had different parents, I wouldn't be who I am. I know I'm basically the epitomy of a professor's kid.

I like to think that I got in on my own accord. I'm one of the top students in our class. I might not do much with activities, but I am on the newspaper, and I write for the Literary Voice. I do my community service for school and for National Honors Society. I've done my writing seminars at Yale. I might not be in charge of anything but I do my part.

And I'm still nowhere near making a decision. I even resorted to writing down each college on a slip of paper and drawing them out of a hat. This got me Yale on the first try and Oxford on the second. Fate is trying its best to mock me.

I've ruled out Stanford. If I'm going to go that far away from home, I'd be going to England, not California. I'm not all that interested in Princeton or Brown. Harvard has always been one of the top choices. And I don't feel like I can rule out Yale or Oxford or Cambridge until I've told mom and dad. Columbia is a great school but I don't think I want to live in New York.

And then there's Bennington. I haven't even visited the campus but I felt a connection just through the website and the brochures. Something about it is just drawing me in.

Could mom or dad ever understand that, though?

I had sex with Emily Bernstein in the newsroom.

We're coming up on a week since it happened and I'm still in shock. I don't quite know why I did it. Well, I do. I'd been stuck in the school with everyone, I think we were all going a little stir-crazy. She wanted it. I wasn't taking advantage of her. It felt good.

I'm not falling for her. Not at all. That won't be happening. It honestly just felt nice. To have something like that with no strings attached. Ashley said that part of our problem was that I was too in love with her. I know that's true. I fall too hard. Although after sixteen months, I don't see what the problem is with being so incredibly in love with the person, but my bitterness over Ashley isn't really the topic at hand. I fell too hard with Erica also and it hurt like hell. But I still have that old romantic soul in me that's trying to break free. So if I can find situations like the one I was presented with on Tuesday, I'll take them.

I've been accepted at Oxford and Cambridge. I still don't know what to think, if I even want to go either of those places. Mom seems happy for me but I think it's just more that she's happy that universities of that caliber would accept me, but her heart is still set on me going to Yale.

Dad's thrilled. I know he wants me to be over there with him. And as much as I'd love to live closer to him, get to know him even better, I don't know that going to college in England is what I want. Maybe dad and I are better like we are, and like we've always been, seeing each other once or twice a year, and sometimes even going long stretches without seeing each other at all. Maybe we're meant to stay like that.

There's still this little part of me that wants to rebel. To forget about the ivy league. To steer clear of anywhere England, both New and Merry Olde. In my heart, though, I know I want to be somewhere close to home. If I'm at Oxford or Cambridge, I'll have dad around, and if I stay here, I'll still be close to Stoneybrook, mom, and any friends that are sticking around the area.

Friends. That's the interesting subject as of late. Aside from the usual hanging out at school with Rick and Howie, nothing's really the same. Last semester was spent hanging out with Erica a lot, that's obviously over with. And Anna and I seem to have drifted. I don't know what's going on with her, it just seems she's tring to find new things in her life. Lately, the two girls I've found myself hanging out with the most are Emily Bernstein and Grace Blume. I'm glad I joined the staff. Emily and I have known each other forever but it's been nice being on staff with her. I'm not really sure I get her but she's interesting to talk to, and we had a good time at the dance. And at the opposite end of the spectrum is Grace. When I sent her an email in January asking for her favorite movies because I was looking for anything to get me out of moping over Erica, I never expected I'd find something like her. I'd been all wrong about her. She's great. She's warm, funny, sweet, and just overall so incredible to be around. I'm praying that I don't do something stupid to screw up our friendship, as I usually do, and that we don't just drift away from each other. She's refreshing. She's exactly what I've been missing in my life.

It seems like new things are what I need. The old life, of just being the emo writer guy and Ashley Wyeth's ex-boyfriend, that wasn't working out. It wasn't getting me anywhere. A couple weeks ago, I had an interview with Coach Anderson and he suggested I try out for the track team, probably out of sheer desperation. The thought sounded insane to me but here I am, two weeks later, still thinking about it. Maybe it's something I should do. Who the hell knows if I'd actually make it, but just the idea of trying out for an athletic team is something that the old me would have never done.

The old me would also be stuck with the romantic notions. I'd be falling for Grace or Emily by now. The new me is hearing from Grace that several cheerleaders are interested in one night stands with me. I don't know that I would actually take the offer up, but the idea that they're interested is actually comforting.

Where am I going with my life? I honestly have no idea. But I'm enjoying where it's leading.

Last year for valentine's day, I took Ash out to dinner. I took her into New Haven. We went to a Thai place that mom recommended, then I took her for a walk around campus. We stayed out most of the night, I think it was about three in the morning by the time I dropped her off at home.

This year, I received a singing telegram from a secret admirer (delivered by Alan Gray which only added to the oddness) and I worked for the evening. I'm pretty sure the singing telegram was a joke, but I don't know who it would have been from. At work, I led several couples from school to their tables.

But I was still happy. I didn't feel bitter at all yesterday like I thought I would. It was a good day.

Today I officially moved past Erica.

I've been over the feelings for awhile now. Today just made it official. Everything I felt for her, even the items that made me fall for her in the first place, are now at the bottom of the Long Island Sound.

The only thing I'm hanging on to is the letter that I wrote to her. I still want to be able to give it to her. I know I screwed up everything, but I had hoped by now that my apology would have been accepted.

The past is over. It's time to move on. I've got some new friendships, I had a great time at the dance with Emily, and Grace has been surprisingly nice to talk to at games. I'll keep strong on the friendships I already have, look forward to whatever may come from the new ones, and also look forward to whatever may be heading my way in the future.

I'm moving on, and I'm not allowing myself to lose myself in a girl again. It only leads to this.

I saw her today, and it was horrible. There's no hope for even a friendship. I've lost someone completely who had become one of the great things in my life due to my own idiocy. I apologized, I told her everything I've been thinking over the past couple of weeks. I had the letter in my bag, but there was no way I could give it to her. She won't want to hear it, and I told her almost everything that was in it.

Dear Erica,

I’m writing this from the plane and I’ve just stared at the paper for the last fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to start it. I obviously didn’t go with the best start to it. It may not even matter anyway; this will probably end up being a letter you won’t ever read. But if by some chance, you are reading this, there are some things I wanted you to know.

I am sorry. I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am for how things were handled that night, or how I’ve handled them for the past few months. I should have never told you, and I shouldn’t have even continued on our friendship with the way I felt. I realize all of that now, I only wish I had then.

Above all, you need to know that you are not to blame in any of this. You never did anything to even lead me to think that you were in any way interested in me. You were a friend to me, nothing more. You acted towards me the way a friend would, and I saw what an amazing person you are, and I let my feelings take over. What you and Robert have together is nothing short of incredible. I know that you realize how lucky you are to have found that. I hope that what occurred didn’t cause any problems between the two of you; because that is the last thing I would ever want. As I said, none of your actions or words to me over the past few months has led me to believe that you were not completely devoted to him. You were just yourself, the great person that you are.

Dec. 25th
Merry Christmas. I suddenly remembered calculus class today. I know that I did not do well on the test, due to cutting our studying time off and being generally distracted on the day of. If you were like me that day, and I imagine that you were, I apologize. I am willing to do anything that will help you in the class. I realize that you probably do not want to study with me again, and I don’t’ blame you for that. If it will help, I can even hack into the computer and change your grade. You shouldn’t have to have a bad mark on your record due to my mistakes.

Dec. 30th
At this point, I’m just adding on to reiterate everything I have stated above. I apologize for it all. This was all my doing, you are not at fault in the least, and please don’t ever think otherwise. Here and now, it is all up to you. If you would prefer that I keep myself out of your life, that’s what I will do. I regret that my actions have ruined what was a strong friendship and I deeply apolgize, from the bottom of my heart, any hurt that this has caused you. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you, and I know that I did that night. For that, you can’t even begin to imagine how sorry I am.

Sincere apologies,
Trevor

I haven't seen her all weekend. Outside of school, we haven't talked since last weekend. Maybe that's the best. Everytime I'm with her, it just kills me that I can't be with her. And I kept hoping that as we spent more time together, my feelings would just turn into that of friendship, but it hasn't happened. It's just gotten worse. Everytime I'm with her, I fall for her even more. And right now, it's just too strong to continue anything. I've fallen way too hard for her. I'm in love, and I don't use that word lightly. This is love. I know it's not reciprocated, but I love her.

And this is why I can't be around her anymore, as much as it's going to kill me to do so.

I saw them together tonight. I've seen them together several times around school and when they came to my house on Halloween. Tonight was a date, though. My first time seeing them in a situation like that. Just more of the same. He's a really nice guy and they are just so in love and great together and I hate it.

Why the hell can't I just get past this? Why can't I just manage to move on and be happy about something and just be friends with her like we've always been? Why can't something good happen for me?

So I find a wonderful girl. Something I feel like I deserve after everything I've been through. She's cute. She's thoughtful. She's funny. We work well together. She's amazing. We can sit for hours and talk about nothing. She's beautiful. She's got a sense of humor that matches mine. She's an artist, which I realize is apparantly who I have a thing for. She's warm. She seems to know me better after just these few times hanging out than Ashley did after sixteen months. She's incredible.

And she has a boyfriend. Not only does she have a boyfriend, but she has a good boyfriend. A nice guy. A guy who she's in love with, who loves her back, who treats her like she should be treated.

And all I can do is be happy for her and hope that I will get past this.

Social life.

I think I need one.

From December of 2004 to May of 2006, my social life revolved around one person. I liked it that way. I saw my friends at school, but outside of school, it was Ashley. I sort of fell out of touch with everything else.

I'm not in any school clubs. The only people I tend to talk to in school is Rick and the other guys at lunch. Anna some in class and I see her at work.

I'm working on it. I actually went to the football game on Friday. I was bored, but I went. Today I went to a meeting at school for college applications and ended up talking to Erica for awhile. We're planning a college fair together for next month.

I don't know why this matters so much, especially if I'll end up in England next year. I think I'm just wanting to get out there and live life again. Get out of that shell I had myself in all summer.

J'ai su du début à la fin que Ashley et j'aurais au moins une classe ensemble cette année, français. Inutile de dire, je ne regarde pas en avant à lui. C'est une petite classe, peut-être quinze gens seront dans lui. Négliger chaque autre n'est pas une option. Je ne suis pas sûr comment traiter voir elle tous les jours. Je n'avais pas vu qu'elle puisque l'école laisser sortir, et l'a rencontré alors à la librairie l'autre jour. Et c'était juste confondant. Je sais, au fond du coeur, je l'aime toujours. Mais quand je la vois, tout je peux penser d'est combien elle me blesse. Et maintenant, non seulement faire nous avons le français ensemble, mais elle est dans ma classe de calcul. Au moins j'ai tombé la photographie. J'avais enregistré pour que l'un avec elle l'année dernière. Seulement deux semaines avant qu'il tout est allé à l'enfer.

Translation?

I've known all along that Ashley and I would have at least one class together this year, French. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to it. It's a small class, maybe fifteen people will be in it. Ignoring each other is not an option. I'm not sure how to deal with seeing her every day. I hadn't seen her since school let out, and then ran into her at the bookstore the other day. And it was just confusing. I know, deep down, I still love her. But when I see her, all I can think about is how much she hurt me. And now, not only do we have French together, but she's in my calculus class. At least I dropped photography. I'd registered for that one with her last year. Only two weeks before it all went to hell.

I return from London, throw the suitcases on my bed (which is not an easy task, considering how heavy suitcases for a six week overseas trip are), and promptly lie down. I do not plan on unpacking at any point in the near future. I will live out of my suitcases if I have to.

Rather than unpacking what is my entire wardrobe, I, of course, go over to my desk, and take out my notebook which was sitting on the keyboard tray (because when you have a laptop, there is no reason for a keyboard tray, except for stashing notebooks). It's the notebook that I did not bring with me to London, even though it is only half-filled. It's the post-Ashley notebook. The one with the angsty poems that I will never submit to magazines or on writing school applications. The ones written in the weeks after she dumped me after a sixteen month relationship in order to have wild flings with the biggest asshole in school. I open the notebook to find myself on the page that contains "America's Pasttime", the bitter ode dedicated to our star baseball player. I close the notebook, stash it back on the keyboard tray, and go to bed.

I wake the next morning at noon. I don't know what time I feel like it is, just that the clock says noon. I feel like it's both morning and night. I spend the day unpacking one of the three suitcases. I will procrastinate on the other two. That is my god-given right for having to be back here after spending six weeks in London.

I email Claudia. And for the first time since Ashley ended things, I feel over her. After putting on a brave face and showing up at prom and standing next to him on the prom court and throwing myself into exams in order to avoid any contact with anyone else at school and then spending six weeks on the other side of the Atlantic, all I do is email the girl who dared to take the brooding, moody single-for-the-first-time-in-a-year-and-a-half guy to prom. And now I can truly say that I am over Ashley.